Thursday, October 8, 2015

DC's Week 6 Picks

#17 USC over Washington: Insert generic pre-game storyline about Sark and Petersen HERE.

#1 Ohio State over Maryland: Can I bet on which quarter Randy Edsall will be fired in?
#2 TCU over Kansas State: TCU just scored on Texas again...the Wildcats can't keep up.
#3 Baylor over Kansas: How many Kansas players are hiding under their covers pretending they have a tummyache this Saturday? 40? 75?
#4 Michigan State over Rutgers: Sure, Michigan State doesn't deserve a Top 5 ranking, but Rutgers doesn't deserve a football program.
#23 Cal at #5 Utah: DC's Game of the Week
Georgia Tech over #6 Clemson: I'm not bitter. But seriously, this would be the most Clemson thing ever.
#7 LSU over South Carolina: Unfair.

#8 Alabama over Arkansas: Bill Burr said it best on his podcast this week: Alabama did everything but rip the hedges up in Athens. This train's gonna keep rolling.
#10 Oklahoma over Texas: This is going to be worse than the Alamo. Be right back, I'm just going to preemptively call Amnesty International...
#11 Florida over Mizzou: I could 10000000% see Florida losing this game, but I'll never pick Mizzou after that debacle against UConn.
#12 Florida State over Miami: FIRE AL GOLDEN
#13 Northwestern over #18 Michigan: Likely candidate...

#14 Ole Miss over NM State: Ole Miss would've lost to NM State with last week's effort, can't see them flopping again.
#15 Notre Dame over Navy: I guess this is cool.

#19 Georgia over Tennessee: This might be the lowest attended SEC game of all-time, because I assume 95% of Dawgs and Vols fans are dead after last weekend.
West Virginia over #21 Oklahoma State: Because Morgantown.
#22 Iowa over Illinois: Come on Illinois...this is getting embarrassing:

#24 Toledo over Kent State: I'm not actually looking it up, but I think the home team has won this game every year since 1830.
#25 Boise State over Colorado State: Can we TRY to hit the over this time guys?
UConn over UCF: The ConFLiCT is finally here!!! Now get that kid some mac and cheese. He'll pay for it.
Duke over Army: Seriously, how the hell did Duke get good at football? Who allowed this?
Air Force over Wyoming: The Zoomies recover from a loss to Navy with an MWC beatdown.
Rochester over Merchant Marine: MMA has looked rough since winning their opener over Coast Guard, and Rochester is looking to get back on track after their first loss of the season.
Coast Guard over Bye: Congrats to Mark Behne, the sixth player in Coast Guard history to win the Gold Helmet award.

Enjoy the games, nerds.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Wager Wednesday: Week 6

We're Vince Young at the Rose Bowl, baby. Sure, it took us a month to figure out who was actually going to be good this year, but now that we've got our glasses on straight and have chugged a Gatorade we're back in the black again, with one major caveat: Notre Dame isn't allowed anywhere near the Mortal Lock of the Week for the rest of the season (second caveat: next time the Irish need a two-point conversion to save their season they can feel free to call me instead of getting their play call from that octopus that picks NCAA tournament brackets). Let's roll.

Syracuse (+3) at USF: I know Syracuse's football program is a complete joke now, but no team that looked moderately respectable against LSU should be getting points against USF. The Pick: Syracuse. 

Northwestern (+8) at Michigan: I don't know if the Wolverines are actually as good as they've looked the last two weeks, but I included them just so I could post this Jim Harbaugh quote:

Potty training sticker. That's gold, Jerry! Gold! That said...The Pick: Northwestern. 

BIG 12
Baylor (-44) at Kansas: Laying 44 points is totally preposterous, but it's worth betting on the Bears just to have fun watching them try to do this. Life's too short to bet the under. Enjoy. The Pick: Baylor.

Colorado (+15) at Arizona State: Bit of a letdown spot for Sparty, but I can't see Colorado hanging closer than UCLA did, especially in Tempe. The Pick: Arizona State. 

Also, this:

Arkansas (+16.5) at Alabama: For the record, I absolutely HATE every SEC game this week. Florida and Alabama are ripe for letdowns. Ole Miss and Mississippi State are playing high school teams. Tennessee and Georgia is about as predictable as a tornado. LSU plays to their competition, whether it's the Miami Hurricanes or the Miami Dolphins. I have no idea, so I'm banking on the Tide coming out flat and letting the Hogs hang around for a while. The Pick: Arkansas, +16.5 (Bama outright)

Cal (+7.5) at Utah: Ehhhhh...I dunno. Is Cal actually that good? Is Utah? Is the Pac-12 North? Whatever. I'm not picking the USC or Oregon games just to watch them crap their pants again. Saturday night it is. The Pick: Utah. 

Oklahoma (-17) vs. Texas: Laying 17 points in a rivalry game should be terrifying, but I've seen monsoon doused tire fires in Syrian rubble that look better than the Longhorns program. They can't make this line high enough. The Pick: Oklahoma. 

Tuesday, October 6, 2015


You have 713 uniform color combinations, but you can only wear one this Saturday. What would you like to do?

a) Bust out Oregon Trail themed uniforms
b) Bust out Oregon Trail themed uniforms
c) Bust out Oregon Trail themed uniforms
d) All the above
e) Attempt to fjord the river

They're finally doing it. Grab a banker from Boston's wallet, head to Matt's General Store, load up on winter clothes and axles, and plan a late spring departure, because we're heading to Eugene. You can (and should) read the full description here, but the Ducks new duds feature unique topographic maps of the Oregon Trail on every jersey, socks and helmets with Lewis and Clark (and the Duck), and a 33-star flag sticker.

I LOVE IT. What better way to distract your fans from the fact that your defense sucks and you don't have a quarterback? Just whip up some 1980s nostalgia and make everybody talk about buffalo hunts or dysentery instead of Mark Helfrich's job for six days. Pretty solid crisis management up there.

Remember how you "hunted" in the Oregon Trail by typing "BOOM" or "POW" as fast as you could? Well unless they figure out how to score by typing "TOUCHDOWN" and "PICK-SIX" faster than the rest of the Pac-12 this Ducks team isn't going any where...but damn it they look good.

Still the GOAT: 

Monday, October 5, 2015

Monday Medicine: Georgia Bulldogs

Here we are again, Dawgs fans. The wind is getting cooler, the leaves are changing colors, CVS is selling Halloween candy, and the entire state of Georgia is calling for Mark Richt's head after an early season disappointment. You'd think Georgia would have learned their lesson by now. You think they'd stop following Richt's lead and doing crap like this as if they give championship rings out for pre-game trash talking:

You'd think they'd actually, you know, focus on the actual game instead of running their mouths and convincing everyone THIS is the year that things will be different. You'd be wrong.

Once again, a season full of "national championship potential" has been derailed before Halloween by a crushing conference loss. Georgia hasn't made it out of October undefeated since their SEC Championship season in 2002, and they haven't even managed to make it out of the first week of October unscathed since 2005, but even though we've seen it every fall for a decade this one just felt different. Georgia didn't just drop an early season game...they got pummeled at home after building expectations as high as they've been since 2007. They looked listless on offense. The special teams were a mess. The front seven got MANHANDLED...and then they had to go home and watch Florida dismantle Ole Miss in The Swamp (presumably slamming the door on the rest of the SEC East's title window for the next decade) and post this:

The Dawgs are still a Top 20 team, they're still alive in the SEC East, and they've still got a shot at the Playoff if they win out and claim the conference title, but it's hard to convince yourself any of that is more than a foolish pipe dream if you watched two minutes of action in Athens Saturday.

Georgia is dead...but they'll always have Herschel. Take with food and water:

Monday Medicine Honorable Mentions: Ole Miss, Notre Dame, UCLA, the Big Ten's national title chances.

Friday, October 2, 2015

DC's Game of the Week: Alabama at Georgia

Sanford Stadium - Athens, GA
Saturday, October 3 - 3:30 PM on CBS

Last time we saw Alabama and Georgia line up across from each other we were treated to the best SEC Championship Game in history, but that tilt in Atlanta could pale in comparison to Saturday's clash if this one lives halfway up to the hype. Georgia wants to prove it belongs in the Playoff conversation and exercise the demons of early seasons disappointments under Mark Richt. Alabama NEEDS to win to have a realistic chance at claiming the SEC West title and returning to the Final Four. One team will leave Athens with a clear path to the national championship...the other will leave as an also ran and spend an exciting New Years Eve at the Peach Bowl. And old DC favorite Allie LaForce will be there. Everybody wins.

When Georgia Has the Ball: Nick Chubb Nick Chubb Nick Chubb Nick Chubb Nick Chubb Nick Chubb Nick Chubb Nick Chubb incomplete pass Nick Chubb Nick Chubb Nick Chubb Nick Chubb:

That said, Alabama's run defense will be the best Chubb and the Dawgs have seen in two seasons, so if he's going to break Herschel Walker's school record for consecutive 100-yard rushing games he's going to have to earn every one of them. The Dawgs need Greyson Lambert to step up and make enough big plays to force the Alabama linebackers to pin their ears back. He doesn't need to do a lot, but he needs to keep the front seven offense to allow Chubb to do his thing.

When Alabama Has the Ball: Alabama's ground game and Georgia's propensity for giving up big running plays both bode well for Tide fans, until you remember that Lane Kiffin's passing game is operating at 1920s levels and the Bulldogs can stack the box like they're blocking a punt on every down. Chubb will (deservedly) get the majority of the pregame attention, but Derrick Henry will determine the outcome of this game more than any other player on the field.

X-Factor: You're sick of hearing it by now, but the Tide haven't been underdogs in Vegas since the 2009 SEC Championship Game, when they established their dynasty and sent Tim Tebow to the locker room sobbing like your niece at the end of Marley and Me. Nick Saban doesn't do "must win game as an underdog" often, but when he does he does them very, very well. I can't pick against Alabama with their backs against the wall, especially against a Georgia program that implodes under pressure faster than LeBron James in a mine collapse. Seriously...look at their postseason/championship history compared to other comparable programs in our lifetime:

Georgia has been WAY too good to have four conference titles and zero national championships, and it's primarily because they choke these games away every September and October. Sorry, Dawgs.

Who Needs Analysis When You Have Hype Videos?

The Pick: Alabama 27, Georgia 24

Thursday, October 1, 2015

DC's Week 5 Picks

#1 Ohio State over Indiana: I'm really, really tempted to pick Indiana here because the Hoosiers have been playing well and Ohio State always has one road stinker against a B1G team...but come on.

#2 Michigan State over Purdue: The Spartans claim to a top five ranking took a serious hit in Eugene last week, so this should be a statement game on both sides of the ball.

#3 Ole Miss over #25 Florida: Can't wait to hear what Shelley Meyer has to say about this:

#4 TCU over Texas: TCU should win this game by 40, but Texas will probably find a way to take a lead in the final minute and blow it on an inexplicable special teams blunder.

#5 Baylor over Texas Tech: The Red Raiders are gassed after last week. Also, being a player at Baylor looks like the most fun thing ever:

#6 Notre Dame over #12 Clemson: I don't trust Clemson in big games, and neither should you.

#7 UCLA over Arizona State: Los Angeles annexed Arizona last week, so the beatings might as well continue.

#13 Alabama at #8 Georgia: DC's Game of the Week

#9 LSU over Eastern Michigan: Leonard Fournette against the worst rushing defense in the FBS is like the United States invading Grenada.

#11 Florida State over Wake Forest: The ACC is terrible...Florida State would be 7-5 in the Pac-12 South.

#21 Mississippi State over #14 Texas A&M: If 60% of Dak Prescott's Heisman highlight reel in December is clips from this game don't say I didn't warn you.

#15 Oklahoma over #23 West Virginia: I'm picking the home team in this match-up for the next 10 years.

#16 Northwestern over Minnesota: This is the definition of a noon start with Doris Burke. Yawn.

#18 Stanford over Arizona: Stanford is putting it together on offense...Arizona is collapsing on defense. Next.

#19 Wisconsin over Iowa: Iowa's 4-0 start has been fun, but the Hawkeyes aren't taking the Heartland Trophy back in Madison.

Kansas State over #20 Oklahoma State: The Cowboys looked wildly inconsistent in Austin...this feels like a letdown opportunity.

#22 Michigan over Maryland: You're not going to believe this, but Maryland has new uniforms!

"Sure thing...whatever you think will help your chances!"

For real though, Maryland is terrible and Randy Edsall deserves to walk the plank into a volcano.

#24 Cal over Washington State: Death, taxes, and Cal being ranked too high in early October. Good to be back.

Cincinnati over Miami: Who gets fired first, Al Golden or Kim Davis?

BYU over UConn: BYU could play with their fifth QB...UConn's offense still wouldn't keep up.

Navy over Air Force: They might as well just preemptively give the Commander in Chief's Trophy to the winner (but preemption's really not our thing anymore).

Penn State over Army: Look on the bright side, Army: at least you're not Rutgers.

Coast Guard over Maine Maritime: Too big, too strong, too fast, too American.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Wager Wednesday: Week 5

I genuinely don't even know why we do this any more after posting a 2-6 (or 1-7 depending on how far you read in the BYU at Michigan pick) mark in Week 4, but there's only one way to get out of the hole, and it's not Gambler's Anonymous or smarter life decisions. Let's chase, kids.

Louisville (+4.5) at NC State: I know their records are scaring people away from the Cards, but are we positive NC State is actually good? They might have the weakest 4-0 record in the country; meanwhile Louisville gets better every week behind true freshman QB Lamar Jackson:

That kid is the truth. In five years fans in the Ville won't even remember who Teddy Bridgewater was. The Pick: Louisville.

Minnesota (+4.5) at Nortwestern: The Wildcats have beaten Stanford and Duke (two wins that look better with each passing week). The Gophers have beaten as many Power 5 teams as I have. That line is insultingly low. The Pick: Northwestern.

BIG 12
Texas (+15) at TCU: I'm tempted to take the points since Texas seems committed to losing every game in the final the most excruciating way possible...but TCU will be out for blood after surviving in Lubbock. Get the Longhorns a bodybag. The Pick: TCU.

Oregon (-7.5) at Colorado: Look, I know the Ducks defense sucks, but you're out of your freaking mind if you think they're only beating Colorado by a touchdown. Classic Vegas overreaction to a poor performance against the Utes. I don't even know why Colorado still has a football program. Free money. The Pick: Oregon. 

Mississippi State (+7) at Texas A&M: If Bret Bielema could coach his way out of a greasy paper bag the Bulldogs would be favored in this one, but we might as well let the Aggies 4-0 record fool people for one more week. In Dak We Trust. The Pick: Mississippi State. 

Alabama (+2.5) at Georgia: I'll probably go back and forth on this game ten times between now and Saturday, so let's go with the lethal combination of a Saban defense against a traditional offense, points in a close one, and Georgia shooting themselves in the junk early in the season like they always do. The Pick: Alabama.

Notre Dame (Even) at Clemson: The Irish made it through an entire game without losing a starter to a season ending injury! It's going to take more than a three point win over Louisville (no offense, Lamar) to convince me this Tigers squad belongs on the same field as the Irish, so I'll get on it before the line shifts in Clemson's favor. The Pick: Notre Dame.