Friday, February 27, 2015

Notre Dame is Recruiting Rutgers Players Because the Universe Hates Me


I love Notre Dame. I hate Rutgers. This tweet is my Hindenburg:


That's a Notre Dame recruiting package that the Irish sent to Chris Muller. Chris Muller is a redshirt junior at Rutgers. Ladies and gentlemen, the worst sentence I will ever type on this blog:

Rutgers is a Big Ten football program and Notre Dame has fallen far enough to accidentally recruit their back-ups.

Save me, Joe Montana...



Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Melissa Stark...Just Because


I thought you'd have to be a borderline sociopath to watch the NFL Combine live on TV...then I remembered that Melissa Stark was their studio host. MY GOD. She's FORTY ONE years old, and apparently a cyborg or something. 

Nobody's aged this well since Tom Hanks in The Green Mile... 












Monday, February 23, 2015

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Auburn Splits Atom...Or Plants New Trees and Acts Like They Did


CBS Sports - The historic oak trees at Auburn's Toomer's Corner were replaced by two new live ones on Saturday. Infamously, the previous trees were poisoned by Alabama resident and Crimson Tide fan Harvey Updyke in 2010, following Auburn's comeback victory over Alabama that season. Updyke called into radio program The Paul Finebaum Show to reveal what he'd done, with authorities verifying the trees were posioned. Updyke served six months in jail and is on supervised probation for the crime. Almost a year ago, it was determined that the Toomer's Corner soil was free of the poison. A longstanding tradition at Auburn has been to roll the Toomer's Corner trees with toilet paper following a win on the football field. "It's not just a tree, it's symbol of Auburn," Auburn junior student Tommy Pinkard told AL.com. "It's a family here, and when you do something to one of us you do it to all of us. So the trees really have a lot of meaning, especially since you had someone take away what meant so much to everyone."

I get that it's a cool tradition and college football matters more than access to healthcare or breathing in Alabama, but they're trees, Greg. They're trees.


Ok, that was pretty cool. But still. Chill the hell out, Auburn.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Choke Wednesday: Ohio State Buckeyes


Ok Columbus...we let you have your fun for a month, but we couldn't realistically kick off the Choke Wednesday offseason without highlighting the most inexplicable loss of 2014, could we?

The Buckeyes and Hokies were both unbeaten when Virginia Tech came to town in early September, so this wasn't as shocking at the time...
 

...but the Buckeyes run to the national title, couple with VT's 3-6 stretch after leaving The Shoe, had us scratching our heads and setting up transitive property titles for the rest of the season. The loss also gave the entire national media, and yours truly, an excuse to pile dirt on the Big Ten's 2014 coffin before Week 3 was even over.

Whoops.


Monday, February 9, 2015

Highlight Monday: Keith Olbermann Ethers Penn State


You guys know the drill by now.

1. NCAA makes a decision involving Penn State.

2. Penn State students and fans make it about themselves and Joe Pa to remind us who the REAL victims are:


3. Half-assed apology.

4. Fatality:


Lather, rinse, repeat. 


#PrayForPennStateFans 

PS: EFF THIS DUDE.


PPS: I know this is like 3 weeks late, but I bumped Penn State for Tom Brady and I stand by my decision. Deal with it.


Friday, February 6, 2015

Michigan is Still Better Than You...Apparently


Hey Michigan, you just finished a losing season, fired another head coach, and watched from your couches as your most hated rival bulldozed through the inaugural College Football Playoff to claim a National Championship and the recruiting high ground. Want to sit the next couple plays out?


Of course you don't. You're "Michigan Men."

And women.


Enjoy those higher ACT scores though.